Phantom pain

It's like the limb you don't have still hurts! And it does! We are not talking about missing something. It's literally pain! Of course, the real pain I am experimenting it's not really phisical. It's more of a phychological pain! I know that there is no way that the limb could be still hurting. I know it because I amputated myself!!! So, I am telling you there is no way! Still, I am in pain. And it really hurts! And I want to go back in time and work some more on that decision to amputate. But I guess that isn't possible anymore. No going back in time! I will have to deal with the pain. And more important ... I will have to go easy on painkillers!

Amputate

I think it's time! I tried to push this as long as I could. I tried to avoid it. I tried to make it work, to cope with it. I really, really tried. I did everything I could to save this, but unfortunately I think this is it. I cannot push it any longer. I know now that it is time to cut it off - to amputate! This is not gonna be an easy process. I don't have the necessary courage to do it. I know for sure that I will have to think it first. What method to apply? One quick, sharp cut (like when you're ripping a bandage) .... or maybe go into a 20-hour surgery and make it medically? I know you don't understand what I'm talking about. Or maybe just few understand. It's about a situation in my life that I thought I could manage when I should have removed it from my life from the start. Now, this situation has gone bad and it's threatening to ruin my entire life, my personality, my sanity. So, I find myself in this position in which I have to decide the solution to it. But now the solution isn't as simple as it would have been in the beginning. Because now I got attached. Now, I have put soul and energy and time into it and it's all lost. The only solution is the amputation. It's not gonna come without great pain. I am willing to suffer that knowing that in the end I am gonna be saved. I realize that this is a desperate solution and like always I am doing this now when I am still rational. It might be too late if I wait another week or month or, who knows, maybe even day. I have been in a similar situation before. At that time ... I didn't do anything. So, now I have to accept the consequences of my not-doing-anything. It's bad! Now, I am not willing to do that again. So, today maybe I will proceed with the amputation. The results ... well, they can be seen only after the healing. And as for the healing - well that's a long way. So, please indulge me if I am no longer myself. But I am doing this especially because I want to save my inner person. I know for sure that I will still be Camelia if I save my personality and my sanity, but if I accept the situation longer... then I am lost forever!

Fear of mediocrity

I just realized I am afraid of mediocrity!!! My entire life I've been dreaming to do something great, I've always wanted to rise above the middle class and reach for more! I cannot accept that this is all life has to offer. I must fight to get there - there where my dreams can take me. I've been talking to someone one of these days about Romanians and their lack of spine. It's true! It must be genetic or something, cas we would rather make compromises than fight for what we truly believe in. We would rather accept less than fight for more. Well, I've always hated that in us. I don't want to settle for a regular, mediocre life. I don't want to wake up in the morning and go to a boring work and come home cook for my family and then go to sleep and that's it. I want to wake up in the morning and just to "hardly wait" to start the day for some exciting things!!! I don't want you to think I have a boring life - far from that. But I have the feeling that I am slowly slipping in routine and mediocrity. I don't have the time to read as much as I would like, I don't have the time to go to the theater or opera ... or just have smart conversations with people that really matter to me. The lack of time is caused by the unimportant stuff that clinches to our life! I want to become a prosecutor or a judge or just work in the organized crime department ... and I want to think this is possible. I want to have around me people who would not laugh of my dream but encourage me to pursue it. I know I can do this! I am maybe arrogant to think this, in a world where the corruption goes in all domains - but I really think I could do this! I want to do it! It's not that I am waiting for someone's acceptance. I'm all passed that point in my life. But, it just sucks to hear all the time: "Wake up ... you don't have what it takes to be a prosecutor/judge!" Whoever knows me ... knows that I do have what it takes. More than that, I do take challenges very personally. All in all, even though I am sure of what I want and of what I can do, I cannot help myself to doubt. Just a little bit! A second of doubt - a moment of fear: what if I am to be just mediocre?! Bottom line: I won't be an ordinary person because I have the right to be extraordinary!!!

Respect

It's useless to say that this word doesn't mean anything nowadays. RESPECT? When did you last see this? Society doesn't encourage respect anymore! Respect's value is zero ... Then why do I still know what respect is? Why do I still use it?

Reality

Back to square one! My first article on the blog was about how we create another world - an illusion - and we choose to live with it like it's reality. Dr. House says: "The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth." I am not very sure about the last part of his statement, but the first part, oh well, I tested it, and he's right. Of course! Eyes can mislead. Smile can lie. It's only because we are humans and we don't want to let the others around us see inside. One of my favorite topics ever is about limits and boundaries. I really think that as humans we are all alone. I am not talking about friends and families and groups. Bottom line is everyone is alone. Reality will catch us off guard. When least expected, you're alone. So, I only find it fair to have eyes that mislead and smiles that lie. I am rambling incoherent. No surprise after 48 h with maybe less than 10 h of sleep and 1 bottle of energy drink plus some coke. I will try to be more clear, reality will determine our decisions. Inevitably, there will be good decisions and bad decisions as well. And it ALL depends on this reality. What if after deliberating for a while you make a decision based on the reality you perceive and you realize that the reality is completely different? Life is not math, there are no constants. There is no objectivity. Let's be serious. Even when we say that we are objective, we are not, cas we are going to base our decision on the reality that we believe it's reality. Did I manage to make myself clear? Let me put it some other way: Depending on how we choose to face reality - we are going to be winners or losers.

Money ... money? well, money!

Who hasn't heard at least once the famous song? "Money, money, money ... must be funny, in a rich man's world". Well, is it?! Personally I hate it. I have never appreciated this, as first thing on my list. Not even second or third. I always considered there are other things much more important that money. Money ... well it's just the mean to get somewhere, is under no circumstance the destination itself. Unfortunately, for many today it became the supreme purpose: MONEY, MONEY and more MONEY! Doesn't matter the how or the when or the where, and not even whose body to step on! All it matters is MONEY. There are no other values or principles. If you only mention about education or culture or knowledge they will look at you like you've just landed from Mars. These are no longer priorities! These are no longer anything on people's list today. (Of course, I am talking about the huge mass of stupidity!) What really bugs me, like really really annoys me is that MONEY changed everyone. Even if it's not a priority for you, you still do a lot of stuff to get it. Stuff that you wouldn't usually do. Stuff that before would have disgust you. Stuff that you had even said not to ever in your life do. And here you are, an honest person, appreciating the real value of intelligence and culture, bending at the throne of MONEY. It's not your fault! It's not my fault! It just bothers me that we have to do that! I would very much like to do something else with my time. Really! Working my ass off isn't fun. I am not doing it because I enjoy it so much. It's just there is no other way in the nowadays society! It's weird, and it's stupid but you have to comply, otherwise you'll be just swollen and nobody will ever remember you. I hate what money did to people! I hate what money did to me! I wish I could read a book without feeling guilty that I am wasting time ... I wish I could sleep 8 hours at night, and not feel guilty that my time is not well used! I wish ... I just wish I didn't care this much about anything but myself. I wish I would just take care of myself and work to get there where I want to get! I wish that stupid people stop telling me what to think or what to do and how to do it! I thought about myself as a non-racist person. But you know what? I am racist! I vote for intelligent people who won't accept shit from "less-equipped". You think I am mischievous?! Oooooo, you just haven't seen me angry ... YET!

Insomnia ....

Şi am ajuns din nou la insomnie. Deşi de data aceasta nu mă mai întreb care ar putea fi cauza acestei nopţi albe! Ştiu exact ce s-a întâmplat. Mă voi folosi de un moment memorabil din Friends, când Ross, dupa N sezoane, îşi întreabă prietenii, oarecum nedumerit: "Vă mai amintiţi când aveam o maimuţă?" Bineînţeles răspunsul din partea prietenilor săi a fost unul afirmativ. Remarca lui Ross a venit ... neaşteptată: "What was I thinkin?" (tr. "Ce-o fi fost în capul meu?") E unul din momentele acelea, când, peste ani, voi privi în urmă şi voi gândi, cu voce tare probabil: CE-O FI FOST ÎN CAPUL MEU? Nici nu e nevoie să treacă cine ştie cât timp, deja îmi dau seama că ceea ce fac e o tâmpenie ... de o să mă lase perplexă mâine chiar! Cum se face că ne blocăm în unele momente din viaţă şi ni se pare imposibil să mai ieşim de-acolo? Cert e că pentru mine, deja devine un obicei neplăcut. Deja colecţionez momente "CE-O FI FOST ÎN CAPUL MEU?" Încerc să mă scap de acest ultim moment, şi e destul de dificil de realizat! SOS!

No strings attached ...

I've always wondered what does this mean: NO STRINGS ATTACHED! I mean, how is it even possible?! But when you're tired of "strings" all the time, and when all you get from everybody are strings, you start to understand what this three little words talk about! It's as simple as that: you want the easy way out! I will refer only to myself, because it's not something that I can generalize, but right now that's all I am thinking of: EASY and OUT! I tried to do the good thing, I tried to do the right thing ... it's not that it is not working for me, but I see no result. From at least one point of view, I am in the same place as before. It's like I am walking in circles. And it ain't fun anymore! If I until now I was looking for those strings … I am done! NO MORE STRINGS ATTACHED! I will pursue my dream for happiness and with God’s help I will get there. But, as for here and as for people to depend on or to lean upon I am done. I think I am strong enough to carry this on my (well!) very own. And I know I have amazing family and amazing loving friends who have my back if I fell. But otherwise, I don’t want to be looking anymore. Nathaniel Hawthorne says: "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." This might be true, or not! Either way, I am done pursuing the butterfly. I am going for NO STRINGS ATTACHED! Call me coward, or call me crazy … or call me just “a tired human looking for the easy way OUT”. I know that this is not exactly who I am. But, in the end, who is to tell me how I should act? All I know now is that I am tired, and I just want to sort this out. I want to find the secret whether I am a person dreaming that it is a butterfly or the other way around?! For this, I just need NO STRINGS ATTACHED! p.s. 1. I am one year older, but not so sure about the one year wiser! For me, wisdom might kick only later on! p.s. 2. Thank you my dear friends for being there/here for me. You all know who I am talking about! 

Enough is enough

I've heard this before ... lots of times! I actually think I didn't really understand what it meant. One needs to really get to this point to fully understand ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Well ... I'm there! It's not like I could pass for a tolerant person. The people who know me, they know I'm not a patient person either. And still in this particular situation I was extremely patient (which brings me to the fact that patience can be achieved?!!) It's one of those situation in which people advice you to keep a low profile, stay out of trouble, keep stuff for yourself, you haven't seen or heard anything (and I'm not talking about the Mafia). So, for a while now I've been doing all that ... what people don't tell you is that, when you do all that, finally you get to this point where there is no going back. Frustrating feeling I might say. You cannot keep you mouth shut. You cannot help yourself from making "inspired" remarks. You cannot keep stuff for yourself anymore ... and you're just done. You arrived to that line where you can read in big bold letters ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and you just decide to cross over this line. On this other side, you might get killed or you might find that freedom of any kind really exists! No more constraints! It's so much better on this other side. I am still standing, reading the bold letters... I know I am there and I know that I cannot stand it anymore. I am just one step away from crossing this line! Enough is enough, right?

US

It suddenly hit me! It's not about trying to get the other people like us, or love us, or forgive us ... Most of the times it's about getting ourselves to like us, love us, forgive us. We do everything we can to mask this, we try to make it look as it's all about the other people. But it's not. Or let me put it some other way. Maybe they've done some mistakes, maybe they have their part of guilt. Bottom line still is that it's us who won't allow us to move further, to advance, to forgive and forget. Best case scenario we just forget! When we do something really bad, we know it and we ask for forgiveness, most of the times the people we've wronged they will forgive us sooner or later. But we won't allow us to get off the hook. I've been told before that I should not speak as I represent a group of people. Well I'm not representing anyone else, besides me. And in this situation I am talking about, I realized that I was sabotaging myself. I couldn't allow me to be happy. I couldn't forgive myself for the things I've done wrong. In the end ... I could only hope that I will forget!