Fraud

I feel like a fraud. I don't understand how I ended up with so many conscience processes. It's like a continuous agony in my head. I am two different people in one and I cannot decide which one to kill. It might seem easy. Sometimes, I even thought I can balance them both but truth is that the differences between these to persons is like heaven and hell. dark and twisted or light and, well, untwisted. It's hard to try to maintain two people. And lately I even feel I might lose my sanity over this useless fight. So, bottom line ... after trying and trying ... it's high time. But how do I chose? Do I make a poll on Internet and let my significant others decide? It's a too important decision to let anyone else but me decide, and on the other hand... people should have to have a saying in who they like best. I am just kidding about the poll. The solution - it's something I have to figure it out on my own. Every single day I noticed how I am not suitable for this world. I mean I don't understand how did I end up having a set of values and principles that I do not respect? what can be worst than this? I find it very difficult to cope with this society. In the end someone will break ... and I don't see the society doing this. So, in order for me not to break I need to find a way of keeping my sanity and my principles and my values. There must be a way! I am sure of this! But who knows what is truly worth it. Right now all I know is that I am a fraud and I need to come clean ASAP. My true self deserves it!

sine cera

these are the kind of people we need in our lives: sine cera! we had enough of those who pretend or worse dress up as sheep while their true self is wolf. It is so hard to find them and when we do, most of the times, it is already to late. i feel so blessed these last couple of days. no reason. or no main reason. i just descover sine cera people in my life. they are worth the time and the energy to keep them close.

The skeletons in the closet

I find this expression very very weird. I cannot but think how one came up with it. I mean it’s not really a usual thing to come across a skeleton in someone’s closet. I can only imagine that at some point someone, literally, discovered a skeleton in a closet. Probably blackmail followed. Probably trials. I have no idea! Even so, now, we have this expression and it is not literally anymore. At least not in all the cases. So, I now arrived to the point where I wanted to get in the first place. We all have skeletons in our closet. It’s inevitable. Of course, the different standards we each have prevent us from having the same skeletons in our closets. If for many a skeleton in a closet means maybe an affair or a theft or maybe a hit and run, for others is worse like a crime or God knows what. But you know, lies can be skeletons in the closet too. So, I think that we can conclude that for each and every one of us the skeletons in the closet are those things that, if found out, will embarrass us. The things that we need to keep hidden from anyone – even from family or close friends. The things we barely admit for ourselves. It’s the one thing that makes us shiver every time we think it might come out. It’s the thing that doesn’t make us proud, the thing that keeps us captive in an invisible prison. Unfortunately, we all have them. But there is this thing. No matter how hard we try to clean the rest of the house. No matter how hard we want it to seem perfectly right, we cannot get rid of that smell. That smell coming through the closed doors of the closet hiding the horrible skeleton. My opinion is that the sooner we get rid o it the better. If a while passes then we get used to the smell and it’s not a problem for us anymore. When friends come over we spray some room deodorant and we think that everything it’s perfect. It’s not nice to clean a closet full of skeletons. It’s hard work and the most important is that you cannot do that without anyone seeing. Even if you are cleaning it at night, you still have to get rid of it. And believe me – just burring it is as bad as keeping it in the closet with the one difference: you got rid of the SMELL!

Fear

I am afraid! I think for the first time in my life I really understand what being afraid means. It's nothing to serious I might say. It's just this decision I need to take: either ... or! And I don't really know what to do. It's like sitting right there on the edge being afraid of jumping, even if you knew you could fly. What if I really can't? it's not human-like to fly ... so why am I special? maybe it isn't really true... maybe I can't fly after all. I am afraid I can't fly!

Amazing people

I am amazed! This is the exact feeling I have in this precise moment. I cannot but to be happy and thankful for the hand of people in my life that are truly friends! I have always believed in true friendship. And this was never a problem: not believing in it! The problem was not always recognizing those who really are true friends. Besides true friends there are those other good people. They will help! They have nothing to gain out of it and still they will make time to help someone who really needs it... Like myself these days. I am talking about a stupid questionnaire for my final paper. It's complicated to ask people to make time, when time is of the essence! And still, I reached out and there was this bunch of unbelievable amazing people who were willing to help me. A stupid questionnaire! You know, maybe you think I am a bit crazy, exaggerating about this... but main thing is: if we are faithful in small things ... we are or we will prove faithful in big things as well. Maybe there won't be any huge opportunity for these people to help me. What they don't know is that they have managed to impress me! This kindness they showed these days toward me won't be left without being repaid. And if I cannot repay them I do know someone who can. So, everybody, amazing-kind-good people ... I thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all know who I'm talking about!

Non-believers

We are actually non-believers. We say we believe, but deep within we don't. We expect for miracles, we want miracles, we dream about them. But we are incapable of recognizing a miracle even if it hit us the head! When we are in the presence of a miracle we try to explain it, we try to make it seem like not such a big deal. We try... and if we try we make it! Cas miracles very rarely keep looking like miracles if we don't want to see them. In the end, we are just some poor creatures incapable of accepting the unknown, the unbelievable. Just because it is out of our reach! Such a pity!

Happy - ness

Well this is a first. Me, writing about how happy and thankful I am. Because I am. Right now, precisely this moment here: I am a happy person. That person that doesn't lack anything: - I have the most amazing family (no matter the differences or the "small" quarrels every family has)! - My brother is getting married ... oddly enough that makes me happy knowing he is! - I have wonderful "old" friends that prove to me every single day that life is a better place just because they exist! - I have met recently some pretty interesting-young-full-of-life-innocent people that taught me once again that young is a state of mind (you must thing I am crazy talking like I were 80 ... probably I am - crazy i.e.)! - I am finally thankful for the choice I made regarding my future career. I know that plans change and maybe He has other roads to take me, but today - last day of March - I feel like professionally I can do what I dream to become! - I have succeed in buying (it might sound shallow, but hear me out) all the books in order for me to be ready for the exams ahead. Which, in my opinion, it is pretty awesome! I know that there might be other things and I do know that no positive things come in life without the negative, but, keeping in mind that this could be the quietness before the storm, this moment here is what I want to remember when the storm starts. Cas there is no other feeling like this one: happiness, thankfulness, joy, accomplishment! What else could I wish for?

Abdication

I was told this weekend (I'd have to admit, not as a surprise) that I give up on people too easyly! And it might be the truth, it makes no sense trying to deny it. But sometimes I am just tired to fix things that cannot necessarly be fixed or to hold on to poeple who have deceived me or betrayed me. I don't see any clear meaning in doing all that so, of course, I find it easier to give up. Bottom line is that at some point it's them or yourself. It's giving up on them or giving up on you. Because holding up to something beyond that acceptable line means that you'll have to alter your self. So, I would rather learn from mistakes and cut a fresh new start. Great people are always backed up. Great victories were obtained by people who had their back guarded. But also ... people hold us down. If we are in a relationship that cannot make us better I find it useless! Maybe I'm shallow. But I wish I had given up to some relations a lot faster than I originally did. By not giving up and holding up to those people alot longer than it was supposed I got myself some very unfixable scars. I know that living a monastic live it's not a solution, but neither the opposite. I don't know about you, but I have some people I wish I had never met them. But on the other hand, there's a handfull of people I couldn't live without! It's also true that sometimes, if you are willing to risk, you could meet some great brand new people. People that can teach you how to be young again, how you can change the way of thinking, how you can really trust others, how you can really have fun over a mid-month weekend... just like that! Trust me, I only talk from experience!In my case, I had to give up some people just to make room for some new faces!

SELF

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." -- Bernice J. Reagon It's true. What it seems surprisingly is the fact that some people are not interested at all in finding/discover themselves. How is that possible? How can it be? Why wouldn't you want to know who you were really meant to be? It's a mystery ... It's like people are happy with what they know, with what they have - no questions asked! Then, there's another aspect of the situation: when you do know who you are, but maybe you feel that the others would not understand you or accept you (remember Maslow's hierarchy of needs?!). Or worst - knowing yourself you acted accordingly and then all you got was a slam of a door in the face. At a second thought ... that door in the face is one of life's challenges supposed to help you discover something new about yourself. An improved self!

Love

Well here I am ... again. Lately I found myself in many situations in which I had to talk about my opinion on this controversed (as I like to say!) topic: LOVE. Is there true love in the world? How do you know? How can we prove there is love? Can we fall in love? If we do, can we fall out of love? How does love look like? And I could go on with the questions. I have to admit I gave it a lot of thought. I have to admit again I didn't really, trully give it a try or a chance. And if I were to answer to the question: "Do you believe in love?" I might say I don't. Or better said, I might have said I don't. Maybe what we think is love, it's not. And maybe we don't really know what love is. We might have different expectations from what we think love is. I for sure I don't have a clear idea of what people think love is. Cas it's definately not cotton candy or a hot chocolate or a smile or a beautiful song or the eyes of some person ... it's all of these and none. It just hit me, do you think that love is like witchcraft? If you don't believe it exists ... it cannot touch you? I definately don't believe in witchcraft... I think it's a bit too late for any philosophical statements. I think I would like to feel the butterflys I heard so much about. I think that human kind needs this concept of LOVE in order to survive to all that evil there is. Bottom line? How about you tell me if I am to wait a little longer or not.