Recovering

Again about the topic that hunted me this entire year: addictions. Even after you have way past the addiction you are still in danger. It crossed my mind today. When you're recovering from an addiction ... you are never out of the woods. A recovering alcoholic will always be an alcoholic that can never leave the guard down. A recovering drug-addict or shopaholic or workaholic ... they will always be in danger to relapse. It's not like: been there, done that - file closed! It's more than this. Once you started on this path, even when recovering, you are still most likely to fall. I wish there was an easier way out, but it isn't. The only thing you can fight against an addiction is a strong will.

Memories

I am back in my home town, in my parents' house. It's all so different now! I walked through the town and I cannot see the town I was growing in anymore. There is a huge "concrete playground" were it used to be our sandy-grassy playground ... A long row of garages in front of the block. They cut down the poplars along the river. They built a Lidle store in the center of the town. Everywhere you look its concrete. I don't feel the vibe anymore. I see all kind of new faces walking around. There are some things that have not changed, like the pharmacy in the corner with the same pharmacist, or the bridge ... or the old math teacher with his unbelievable - intellectual look. I smile when I see the things that haven't changed a bit, and in the same time I feel melancholy for the lost ones. It was never a huge town, but it was always a quite-nice-everybody-knows-everybody town. But of course, time doesn't forgive anyone, so the town had to evolve and adapt. I am afraid I cannot say that it became more civilized. I remember that our high school was one of the best in the county. Well the good ol' days have gone. I am afraid we don't appreciate the simple smart things anymore, and all we are looking for is glazing-ostentatious-glamorous things. Maybe it's just the society. Buy I miss swimming in the river in the summer or skating in the winter. I miss playing outside with my friends - no worries. I miss all that! My home town doesn't look anymore like the cute-cultural-oldish town! I miss that look! Mostly because it's that look that pushed me to go further knowing that whenever I will need to come back to cozy-familiar thing I can always come back to my home town. Well, I came back ... but the town it's not there anymore. It's good that I can still see it in my memories!

Glimpse of happiness

I understand now. I cannot be happy all the time cas if I were happy all the time, I would not appreciate happiness that much. It's just me! Maybe other people are different. But not me. I realized - for sure 100% - if I were to be happy all the time, I wouldn't know that I'm happy. And is there greater unhappiness than to not know you're happy? So, since I am like that ...I only get glimpses of happiness. Small portions of what true happiness really is. I was pretty sure it's unfair and I did not deserve this but now I see - now I understand. Actually I think that for me to be happy I need to work hard. I cannot take happiness for granted, cas it's not. And then there is satisfaction. It's not really happiness, but meanwhile it can make life easier. Bottom line ... I'd rather work hard for my glimpse of happiness, feeling satisfaction moreoften, than not being able to appreciate happiness at all. Today ... I am not a happy person, but a satisfied one!

Withdrawal

I would exaggerate if I say that I understand what drug addicts go through in withdrawal. I don't! I can only imagine it's even worse than what I am feeling right now. I have no clue on how to explain this to you. It's the logical thing what is happening ... after amputation and phantom pain there has to be withdrawal. It's hard. It's like you want to get back to how things were before, when you didn't make up your mind to give up the DRUG. In the beginning the DRUG gave you an amazing feeling of well-being. But, little by little, this DRUG of yours ... became part of your life and your body couldn't live without it. Every time you decided you want to stop it wasn't possible anymore because your body was asking for it. But then ... you discovered that the DRUG provoked a gangrene in your body. So, there was nothing else that you could do but to amputate. I have already explained how hard was to make up my mind in this matter. Then ... there was the phantom pain. The unreal/real pain! But all these come with withdrawal. About now the DRUG is out of your system, but the mind is still infected, the mind is still telling you how much you need it and how you cannot function without it. In some cases, it becomes more physical. The brain sends some information to the entire body: you get fever, your tremble, you feel like life is flowing out of your body, you seem incapable of breathing. Bottom line is: YOU NEED THE DRUG!!! You crave for that DRUG. Then you'll do whatever it takes to get the DRUG again. You're obviously not thinking clearly. You're no longer rational. You don't remember all the bad things happening to you because of the DRUG. You don't even remember the damage ... the amputation due to the use of that DRUG. You don't care anymore. All you want is to go, find that DRUG and use it, just like before. That will make you happy, that will calm your body and mind. Truth to be told: it's a lie that you can stop whenever you want. Some things are meant not to be tried out, because if they are tried they create an addiction. I thought I am strong. I've seen people in withdrawal. And then I've heard the same people saying:"One last cigarette!" "One last drink!" "One last time!" There is no such thing like "one last...” After that "one last" there is another one and another one until you can't remember how many there have been. So, I thought I was strong. I thought I am different. That is why I decided to try it. Unfortunately I wasn't strong enough and I ended on the edge, bouncing back and forward. I am in withdrawal. It's a while now since I cut out all the evil, the entire gangrened limb. The phantom pain is still there. I dream about being whole again. I dream about myself ... from before the addiction. I know there is no chance of going back to how I was, because there are consequences to take care of. I am sorry, vert sorry for how things turned out to be, but eventually I have to go on with my life: it's not how I imagined it to be, it's how I built it. Even if the drug and the addiction are mentally, that doesn't make it less real or less painful. Withdrawal ... if you haven't been strong in the beginning, you really need to be strong now. Cas from withdrawal you either come out clean or dead.

Phantom pain

It's like the limb you don't have still hurts! And it does! We are not talking about missing something. It's literally pain! Of course, the real pain I am experimenting it's not really phisical. It's more of a phychological pain! I know that there is no way that the limb could be still hurting. I know it because I amputated myself!!! So, I am telling you there is no way! Still, I am in pain. And it really hurts! And I want to go back in time and work some more on that decision to amputate. But I guess that isn't possible anymore. No going back in time! I will have to deal with the pain. And more important ... I will have to go easy on painkillers!

Amputate

I think it's time! I tried to push this as long as I could. I tried to avoid it. I tried to make it work, to cope with it. I really, really tried. I did everything I could to save this, but unfortunately I think this is it. I cannot push it any longer. I know now that it is time to cut it off - to amputate! This is not gonna be an easy process. I don't have the necessary courage to do it. I know for sure that I will have to think it first. What method to apply? One quick, sharp cut (like when you're ripping a bandage) .... or maybe go into a 20-hour surgery and make it medically? I know you don't understand what I'm talking about. Or maybe just few understand. It's about a situation in my life that I thought I could manage when I should have removed it from my life from the start. Now, this situation has gone bad and it's threatening to ruin my entire life, my personality, my sanity. So, I find myself in this position in which I have to decide the solution to it. But now the solution isn't as simple as it would have been in the beginning. Because now I got attached. Now, I have put soul and energy and time into it and it's all lost. The only solution is the amputation. It's not gonna come without great pain. I am willing to suffer that knowing that in the end I am gonna be saved. I realize that this is a desperate solution and like always I am doing this now when I am still rational. It might be too late if I wait another week or month or, who knows, maybe even day. I have been in a similar situation before. At that time ... I didn't do anything. So, now I have to accept the consequences of my not-doing-anything. It's bad! Now, I am not willing to do that again. So, today maybe I will proceed with the amputation. The results ... well, they can be seen only after the healing. And as for the healing - well that's a long way. So, please indulge me if I am no longer myself. But I am doing this especially because I want to save my inner person. I know for sure that I will still be Camelia if I save my personality and my sanity, but if I accept the situation longer... then I am lost forever!

Fear of mediocrity

I just realized I am afraid of mediocrity!!! My entire life I've been dreaming to do something great, I've always wanted to rise above the middle class and reach for more! I cannot accept that this is all life has to offer. I must fight to get there - there where my dreams can take me. I've been talking to someone one of these days about Romanians and their lack of spine. It's true! It must be genetic or something, cas we would rather make compromises than fight for what we truly believe in. We would rather accept less than fight for more. Well, I've always hated that in us. I don't want to settle for a regular, mediocre life. I don't want to wake up in the morning and go to a boring work and come home cook for my family and then go to sleep and that's it. I want to wake up in the morning and just to "hardly wait" to start the day for some exciting things!!! I don't want you to think I have a boring life - far from that. But I have the feeling that I am slowly slipping in routine and mediocrity. I don't have the time to read as much as I would like, I don't have the time to go to the theater or opera ... or just have smart conversations with people that really matter to me. The lack of time is caused by the unimportant stuff that clinches to our life! I want to become a prosecutor or a judge or just work in the organized crime department ... and I want to think this is possible. I want to have around me people who would not laugh of my dream but encourage me to pursue it. I know I can do this! I am maybe arrogant to think this, in a world where the corruption goes in all domains - but I really think I could do this! I want to do it! It's not that I am waiting for someone's acceptance. I'm all passed that point in my life. But, it just sucks to hear all the time: "Wake up ... you don't have what it takes to be a prosecutor/judge!" Whoever knows me ... knows that I do have what it takes. More than that, I do take challenges very personally. All in all, even though I am sure of what I want and of what I can do, I cannot help myself to doubt. Just a little bit! A second of doubt - a moment of fear: what if I am to be just mediocre?! Bottom line: I won't be an ordinary person because I have the right to be extraordinary!!!

Respect

It's useless to say that this word doesn't mean anything nowadays. RESPECT? When did you last see this? Society doesn't encourage respect anymore! Respect's value is zero ... Then why do I still know what respect is? Why do I still use it?

Reality

Back to square one! My first article on the blog was about how we create another world - an illusion - and we choose to live with it like it's reality. Dr. House says: "The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth." I am not very sure about the last part of his statement, but the first part, oh well, I tested it, and he's right. Of course! Eyes can mislead. Smile can lie. It's only because we are humans and we don't want to let the others around us see inside. One of my favorite topics ever is about limits and boundaries. I really think that as humans we are all alone. I am not talking about friends and families and groups. Bottom line is everyone is alone. Reality will catch us off guard. When least expected, you're alone. So, I only find it fair to have eyes that mislead and smiles that lie. I am rambling incoherent. No surprise after 48 h with maybe less than 10 h of sleep and 1 bottle of energy drink plus some coke. I will try to be more clear, reality will determine our decisions. Inevitably, there will be good decisions and bad decisions as well. And it ALL depends on this reality. What if after deliberating for a while you make a decision based on the reality you perceive and you realize that the reality is completely different? Life is not math, there are no constants. There is no objectivity. Let's be serious. Even when we say that we are objective, we are not, cas we are going to base our decision on the reality that we believe it's reality. Did I manage to make myself clear? Let me put it some other way: Depending on how we choose to face reality - we are going to be winners or losers.

Money ... money? well, money!

Who hasn't heard at least once the famous song? "Money, money, money ... must be funny, in a rich man's world". Well, is it?! Personally I hate it. I have never appreciated this, as first thing on my list. Not even second or third. I always considered there are other things much more important that money. Money ... well it's just the mean to get somewhere, is under no circumstance the destination itself. Unfortunately, for many today it became the supreme purpose: MONEY, MONEY and more MONEY! Doesn't matter the how or the when or the where, and not even whose body to step on! All it matters is MONEY. There are no other values or principles. If you only mention about education or culture or knowledge they will look at you like you've just landed from Mars. These are no longer priorities! These are no longer anything on people's list today. (Of course, I am talking about the huge mass of stupidity!) What really bugs me, like really really annoys me is that MONEY changed everyone. Even if it's not a priority for you, you still do a lot of stuff to get it. Stuff that you wouldn't usually do. Stuff that before would have disgust you. Stuff that you had even said not to ever in your life do. And here you are, an honest person, appreciating the real value of intelligence and culture, bending at the throne of MONEY. It's not your fault! It's not my fault! It just bothers me that we have to do that! I would very much like to do something else with my time. Really! Working my ass off isn't fun. I am not doing it because I enjoy it so much. It's just there is no other way in the nowadays society! It's weird, and it's stupid but you have to comply, otherwise you'll be just swollen and nobody will ever remember you. I hate what money did to people! I hate what money did to me! I wish I could read a book without feeling guilty that I am wasting time ... I wish I could sleep 8 hours at night, and not feel guilty that my time is not well used! I wish ... I just wish I didn't care this much about anything but myself. I wish I would just take care of myself and work to get there where I want to get! I wish that stupid people stop telling me what to think or what to do and how to do it! I thought about myself as a non-racist person. But you know what? I am racist! I vote for intelligent people who won't accept shit from "less-equipped". You think I am mischievous?! Oooooo, you just haven't seen me angry ... YET!

Insomnia ....

Şi am ajuns din nou la insomnie. Deşi de data aceasta nu mă mai întreb care ar putea fi cauza acestei nopţi albe! Ştiu exact ce s-a întâmplat. Mă voi folosi de un moment memorabil din Friends, când Ross, dupa N sezoane, îşi întreabă prietenii, oarecum nedumerit: "Vă mai amintiţi când aveam o maimuţă?" Bineînţeles răspunsul din partea prietenilor săi a fost unul afirmativ. Remarca lui Ross a venit ... neaşteptată: "What was I thinkin?" (tr. "Ce-o fi fost în capul meu?") E unul din momentele acelea, când, peste ani, voi privi în urmă şi voi gândi, cu voce tare probabil: CE-O FI FOST ÎN CAPUL MEU? Nici nu e nevoie să treacă cine ştie cât timp, deja îmi dau seama că ceea ce fac e o tâmpenie ... de o să mă lase perplexă mâine chiar! Cum se face că ne blocăm în unele momente din viaţă şi ni se pare imposibil să mai ieşim de-acolo? Cert e că pentru mine, deja devine un obicei neplăcut. Deja colecţionez momente "CE-O FI FOST ÎN CAPUL MEU?" Încerc să mă scap de acest ultim moment, şi e destul de dificil de realizat! SOS!

No strings attached ...

I've always wondered what does this mean: NO STRINGS ATTACHED! I mean, how is it even possible?! But when you're tired of "strings" all the time, and when all you get from everybody are strings, you start to understand what this three little words talk about! It's as simple as that: you want the easy way out! I will refer only to myself, because it's not something that I can generalize, but right now that's all I am thinking of: EASY and OUT! I tried to do the good thing, I tried to do the right thing ... it's not that it is not working for me, but I see no result. From at least one point of view, I am in the same place as before. It's like I am walking in circles. And it ain't fun anymore! If I until now I was looking for those strings … I am done! NO MORE STRINGS ATTACHED! I will pursue my dream for happiness and with God’s help I will get there. But, as for here and as for people to depend on or to lean upon I am done. I think I am strong enough to carry this on my (well!) very own. And I know I have amazing family and amazing loving friends who have my back if I fell. But otherwise, I don’t want to be looking anymore. Nathaniel Hawthorne says: "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." This might be true, or not! Either way, I am done pursuing the butterfly. I am going for NO STRINGS ATTACHED! Call me coward, or call me crazy … or call me just “a tired human looking for the easy way OUT”. I know that this is not exactly who I am. But, in the end, who is to tell me how I should act? All I know now is that I am tired, and I just want to sort this out. I want to find the secret whether I am a person dreaming that it is a butterfly or the other way around?! For this, I just need NO STRINGS ATTACHED! p.s. 1. I am one year older, but not so sure about the one year wiser! For me, wisdom might kick only later on! p.s. 2. Thank you my dear friends for being there/here for me. You all know who I am talking about! 

Enough is enough

I've heard this before ... lots of times! I actually think I didn't really understand what it meant. One needs to really get to this point to fully understand ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Well ... I'm there! It's not like I could pass for a tolerant person. The people who know me, they know I'm not a patient person either. And still in this particular situation I was extremely patient (which brings me to the fact that patience can be achieved?!!) It's one of those situation in which people advice you to keep a low profile, stay out of trouble, keep stuff for yourself, you haven't seen or heard anything (and I'm not talking about the Mafia). So, for a while now I've been doing all that ... what people don't tell you is that, when you do all that, finally you get to this point where there is no going back. Frustrating feeling I might say. You cannot keep you mouth shut. You cannot help yourself from making "inspired" remarks. You cannot keep stuff for yourself anymore ... and you're just done. You arrived to that line where you can read in big bold letters ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and you just decide to cross over this line. On this other side, you might get killed or you might find that freedom of any kind really exists! No more constraints! It's so much better on this other side. I am still standing, reading the bold letters... I know I am there and I know that I cannot stand it anymore. I am just one step away from crossing this line! Enough is enough, right?

US

It suddenly hit me! It's not about trying to get the other people like us, or love us, or forgive us ... Most of the times it's about getting ourselves to like us, love us, forgive us. We do everything we can to mask this, we try to make it look as it's all about the other people. But it's not. Or let me put it some other way. Maybe they've done some mistakes, maybe they have their part of guilt. Bottom line still is that it's us who won't allow us to move further, to advance, to forgive and forget. Best case scenario we just forget! When we do something really bad, we know it and we ask for forgiveness, most of the times the people we've wronged they will forgive us sooner or later. But we won't allow us to get off the hook. I've been told before that I should not speak as I represent a group of people. Well I'm not representing anyone else, besides me. And in this situation I am talking about, I realized that I was sabotaging myself. I couldn't allow me to be happy. I couldn't forgive myself for the things I've done wrong. In the end ... I could only hope that I will forget!

Stars

Aren't stars the most amazing things you have ever come across? It's just so impressive how we all live in such a wonderful Universe ... on such an amazing planet. I know what you would think: how is this planet amazing when killings and hunger and war and tons of other terrible things happen here?

Well, it's not planet's fault for getting stuck with such reckless humankind! The planet itself is full of amazing-unbelievable-awesome things ... we should only stop for a bit and look around.

And at the fall of the night, just take a blanket and go on the top of the hill. Orion, Cassiopeia, Ursa, Cepheus and lots of other celestial bodies will smile right back at you!

Just try it! It will surprise you and leave you speechless. Because that's what the Universe does to whoever is willing to look up!

Psychotic episode

You know, the mentally ill ones! The society throws a dark shadow on them. People avoid them. People look down on them. Some people, whatsoever, show interest. I belong to this last category ... I am curious and interested in their story.

And now I am being sympathetic!!!

Why NOW? What does this "now" mean? Well let me just put it some other way. The mentally ill ones have their own perfect world to get to. They don't have to deal with the stupidity the human race gathers every single day. I almost envy them ... I don't want to tempt faith. I can imagine the implication of being mentally ill. I can only imagine the great deal of good things they are missing. And the sad part is I used the word "things". Not people, not relationships or emotions.

They miss on the music, and the beautiful classic books, the sunrise or sunset, the top of the mountain after a difficult climb, the hot chocolate on a very cold winter evening, the warm socks, the comforting feeling after you've done your job. And I could go on and on.

So, I do appreciate my psychotic break along with my sanity moments. Mostly because mine, both of them, come with very good friends and very supportive family.

Lately I fell in love with this very cute Edgar Allan Poe quote: "I have become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." And I am talking about a psychotic break? Well who is to say what is real and what is imaginative?

Who is to say what is sanity or psychotic break?

p.s. For those of you who will go on interpreting this article published on the 14th of February: YOU ARE SO WRONG!!!

Salvation

Did it ever happen to you? That sad feeling that you have to give up something you really, really care about? As much as you try you get to same conclusion: for sure you need to cut it from your life.

I feel like a doctor, in a very plastic way said, trying to figure out another way, trying to figure out a solution to save a leg, a hand. You know that the hand, the leg you're about to cut off are important. It's not like saying ... "o well, it will grow back!" The decision to amputate is difficult and sometimes it needs to be processed under pressure.

I am under pressure and I most definitely need to make up my mind: "CUT or DO NOT CUT?" The decision is even harder since you know that not cutting, when you're suppose to cut, could endanger your own life. It's not as simple as: "Can I make without it?" It can get to the eternal question (which is not mine in the first place - people have said it before me): "To be or not to be?"

So, in the end ... I am trying to find a solution which can save my life and safe my "something that I care about" as well.

But - and I always say there's a but in every story - if my solution doesn't really work, and if it doesn't get any better I must mentally prepare myself to let go. It would be a tough decision to take and it will hurt alot, but it's gonna be for the best.

Until then, finger crossed ... or wait - I don't believe in stuff like that. Huh, then let's just pray that the solution will work ... and SALVATION will come!

Step 1

Here we go. I just want to make it clear from the beginning that this is a hard task for me to do. I have been trying to write this for a long time and each time I just couldn't put the thoughts into coherent phrases.

Step 1 is about admitting we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Is is taken out from the Alcoholics Anonymous recovering therapy. But as far as anyone is concern alcohol is not the only addiction that we might come across. It's just one in a long row of dark addictions.

Even when there is no apparent addiction, admitting we are powerless is the first step into finding the right path. Maybe you're all wondering what I am talking about? Truth being told, every one of us is here with a purpose. We are not meant to just wonder on this earth and then when the time comes we will just die and rest for the eternity. It's because I believe in a Higher Power - that I think my life is not accidental. So, first step to find out why I am truly here for is admitting I am powerless.

I know - it's not very pleasant to admit this. Especially since we are all built with a self-protecting armor and we all want to be independent! But what I am suggesting has nothing to do with the fact of being independent or not. It's just that any addiction is in our way of finding our true self.

It only requires some courage to admit this and then you're on your track. So to set an example:

I am Camelia and I admit of being powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable.

See, it's not that hard! It's just the way to take next step ...

Sadness

Directly form Wikipedia: "Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage." In my opinion the most important thing in this definition is the word PAIN.

Sadness is inevitable pain. I cannot say I've been experiencing great physical pain. I know people who struggle with the physical pain and it would be so inappropriate of me to say I know what they are going through. For me physical pain resumes to a visit to a dentist and some stitches - that's it! But then there is the emotional pain. And this is something we all have been experiencing on a certain level. Again, there are people who went through great emotional pain and overcome, and then there are these other people who just cannot deal with the emotional pain any longer.

For me, this intense feeling of sadness is something I cannot really explain. It's like approximately half a year ago I just slipped and since then I'm on a continuous slope. I cannot stop and there is nothing to hold on! Questions with no answers - for me this is the struggle. To slide down and not knowing where or when I'm gonna stop. Short periods of temporary happiness just to give me the idea of a different life, and then again the slope! At certain points I have the impression that my mind is playing games on me. Just like Edgar Allan Poe said: "I've become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." I no longer know which is the true life. I no longer know whether "I am a human dreaming I am a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a human" (just to paraphrase Lao Tse)!

Either way ... I see no solution. I have no horizon! All I see is the dark slope going down! If I would only touch the bottom, because after that the only direction I could go would be UP. But until then ... I can only hope it's not gonna take much longer!

Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage. Is there still any hope for the hopeless?

Vise

Era o vreme când visam! Visam la o lume mai bună, la o carieră mai strălucită, la o relaţie mai potrivită ... în orice caz, visam la ceva mai bun.

Visam că odată ajunşi într-un punct al vieţii noastre vom reuşi să influenţăm pe cei din jurul nostru. Visam semeţ. De multe ori visele noastre erau mai înalte decât Everestul. Visam să ajungem celebri, să câştigăm premiul Nobel, să avem cariere de succes ...

Dar am obosit. Eu am obosit. Mi-am agăţat visele în cui şi aştept. Nu e cea mai bună calitatea a mea - răbdarea! De cele mai multe ori aşteptarea mă depresează, mă irită. Vreau ca lucrurile să se petreacă instant, la fel ca în visele mele. Doar că visele sunt doar vise. Dacă vrem realitate trebuie să punem osul la treabă şi să ne transformăm visele în real. Nimeni nu o sa facă asta în locul nostru. Pentru că nimănui nu-i pasă de visele celorlalţi. Fiecare pentru el.

Şi totuşi era bine când visam. Aveam speranţă că ceva poate fi mai bun în viaţa noastră.

Tot ce trebuie să facem e să ne întoarcem la cuiul în care ne-am agăţat visele, speranţa, copilăria, inocenţa ... şi să sperăm că toate acestea vor fi tot acolo!