joi, 13 septembrie 2012

Phantom pain

It's like the limb you don't have still hurts! And it does! We are not talking about missing something. It's literally pain! Of course, the real pain I am experimenting it's not really phisical. It's more of a phychological pain! I know that there is no way that the limb could be still hurting. I know it because I amputated myself!!! So, I am telling you there is no way! Still, I am in pain. And it really hurts! And I want to go back in time and work some more on that decision to amputate. But I guess that isn't possible anymore. No going back in time! I will have to deal with the pain. And more important ... I will have to go easy on painkillers!

duminică, 2 septembrie 2012

Amputate

I think it's time! I tried to push this as long as I could. I tried to avoid it. I tried to make it work, to cope with it. I really, really tried. I did everything I could to save this, but unfortunately I think this is it. I cannot push it any longer. I know now that it is time to cut it off - to amputate! This is not gonna be an easy process. I don't have the necessary courage to do it. I know for sure that I will have to think it first. What method to apply? One quick, sharp cut (like when you're ripping a bandage) .... or maybe go into a 20-hour surgery and make it medically? I know you don't understand what I'm talking about. Or maybe just few understand. It's about a situation in my life that I thought I could manage when I should have removed it from my life from the start. Now, this situation has gone bad and it's threatening to ruin my entire life, my personality, my sanity. So, I find myself in this position in which I have to decide the solution to it. But now the solution isn't as simple as it would have been in the beginning. Because now I got attached. Now, I have put soul and energy and time into it and it's all lost. The only solution is the amputation. It's not gonna come without great pain. I am willing to suffer that knowing that in the end I am gonna be saved. I realize that this is a desperate solution and like always I am doing this now when I am still rational. It might be too late if I wait another week or month or, who knows, maybe even day. I have been in a similar situation before. At that time ... I didn't do anything. So, now I have to accept the consequences of my not-doing-anything. It's bad! Now, I am not willing to do that again. So, today maybe I will proceed with the amputation. The results ... well, they can be seen only after the healing. And as for the healing - well that's a long way. So, please indulge me if I am no longer myself. But I am doing this especially because I want to save my inner person. I know for sure that I will still be Camelia if I save my personality and my sanity, but if I accept the situation longer... then I am lost forever!