Set me free

You know that feeling when you can barely breath because the walls are closing in on you? We cling to things or people and we hold so tight that at some point when it's high time to let go ... you can't imagine life without that thing or person. Even worse, you can't imagine your life before. It's just an illusion. I've been in this place and I thought that life will cease or won't follow its course if I let go. But guess what? The humans of this Blue Planet, with their feelings and insignificant, irrational (if you don't mind me saying) fears, are so bad at choosing people who could really make a difference when let go. What I've been trying to convince my self lately is that I am a rational person and that I cannot mingle in the sentiments' world. Who was I trying to fool? It's part of the experience - to feel. Otherwise is just a theory. Like in the AA meetings, first you have to admit the issue before finding the solution. For me this was the first step to be set free. Free from the feelings tying me to someone. Finally. Best part of all is that now I know. It's not in vain what they say ... that experience it's a great teacher. Now I'm not afraid of walking past the line and just trying to live the life I am supposed to live. The life I was supposed to be living for a while now. I have some catching up to do. I think I will do just fine. Breathing ... is not an issue anymore.

Few of the perks of being alive

You know, it is said that fear is irrational. Unless we rationalize it. Because we are pretty good of rationalizing, especially when it is not necessarly the case. Apparently we lose this ability right before needing it the most. But this is not at all what I want to say. I look around and there's just a handful of people who really, truly live. I admit: I am jealous! Whenever I stumble someone who really lives, who knows how to live, I am green of envy. And maybe this is the good type of envy, not the destructive one. However, the fear of death is paralyzing and the most common effect it has on a human is that ... we stop living. Even before we biologically die. I'm just saying, maybe it's not really your case, I can only talk from what I find inside. But, letting aside this irrational fear of death ... one could easily find or see the tremendous amount of perks ... of being alive. Like when you decide that it's high time you drop the baggage you carry around just because it became obsolete. It's the same with this fear. As soon as you put it behind, it's just light and easiness. You can really see. No blockage, no white/black image. But the colorful picture of what is called life. And this is the first perk I discovered - being able to see the colors. The world is so more beautiful when it's seen in colors. Another one - the relationships. Only the people who are truly alive can connect. So, find friends & family right there, next to you, almost like waiting for you to see them, it's one of the greatest perks of being alive. It's totally worth it! Books - if I were to pick a perk, a material perk, this must be it. (Because the world, with its beauty, it's not a "thing", but so much more!). So, books. My first love. Books, in my case, more than anything, make me feel that I am alive. Wherever, whenever I want. Music. Have you ever just spend time listening to music? Feeling it? It's like music speaks directly to my soul. It's emotion, vibrating inside. This is what works for me. For a while now I've been struggling with this like I cannot find my place on this blue Planet. Like my life hasn't started yet, waiting for the start whistle, while others are already at the finish line. I guess it's no greater regret than just realizing that you're at the finish line when you haven't even started. It happens. So, why not just live? Day by day, step by step. I don't think we have multiple chances to live. It's just this one. And like someone said: "you only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough." And back to the fear thing. I am afraid I have wasted enough time waiting for things to happen. I wish I were big on faith saying that I was waiting for God to work something out in my life. That wouldn't be wasted time at all. If that were the case, I could have learnt something out of this waiting. But it's not the case, unfortunately. It's just wasted time, and the best I can do right now is not to waste it anymore. I just wish I weren't afraid anymore!

Confessions of a sinner

It is very impressive how many people think big of themselves. I always hated that about people. One has the right of being arrogant only, and only,if he has something to back him up. Otherwise ... just a big mouth. But this is not the point. The issue isn't really the person we're presenting to the world. We are all entitled to present whoever we consider fit. Bottom line is who cares?! In the end one might end up meeting someone just as fake as he/she is. So, go ahead. Put on the mask! Problem is who we are at the core. Who we are when we're by ourselves. And believe me, even if you don't consider it important, that is the only person steering your life. If you're a liar, then you're a liar. If you're a thief, then you're a thief. A hypocrite?! Then a hypocrite! And this could go on and on ... because just close your eyes and tell me what or who you see! Now ... we might never see that part of yours. We might never get a glimpse of your true person. But that doesn't matter a bit. Because you won't get a glimpse either of other people's inner self. You might think you're dealing with a good, kind, patient person. But think again. It could always be just the mask. underneath ... we're all sinners.