Step 1

Here we go. I just want to make it clear from the beginning that this is a hard task for me to do. I have been trying to write this for a long time and each time I just couldn't put the thoughts into coherent phrases.

Step 1 is about admitting we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Is is taken out from the Alcoholics Anonymous recovering therapy. But as far as anyone is concern alcohol is not the only addiction that we might come across. It's just one in a long row of dark addictions.

Even when there is no apparent addiction, admitting we are powerless is the first step into finding the right path. Maybe you're all wondering what I am talking about? Truth being told, every one of us is here with a purpose. We are not meant to just wonder on this earth and then when the time comes we will just die and rest for the eternity. It's because I believe in a Higher Power - that I think my life is not accidental. So, first step to find out why I am truly here for is admitting I am powerless.

I know - it's not very pleasant to admit this. Especially since we are all built with a self-protecting armor and we all want to be independent! But what I am suggesting has nothing to do with the fact of being independent or not. It's just that any addiction is in our way of finding our true self.

It only requires some courage to admit this and then you're on your track. So to set an example:

I am Camelia and I admit of being powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable.

See, it's not that hard! It's just the way to take next step ...

Sadness

Directly form Wikipedia: "Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage." In my opinion the most important thing in this definition is the word PAIN.

Sadness is inevitable pain. I cannot say I've been experiencing great physical pain. I know people who struggle with the physical pain and it would be so inappropriate of me to say I know what they are going through. For me physical pain resumes to a visit to a dentist and some stitches - that's it! But then there is the emotional pain. And this is something we all have been experiencing on a certain level. Again, there are people who went through great emotional pain and overcome, and then there are these other people who just cannot deal with the emotional pain any longer.

For me, this intense feeling of sadness is something I cannot really explain. It's like approximately half a year ago I just slipped and since then I'm on a continuous slope. I cannot stop and there is nothing to hold on! Questions with no answers - for me this is the struggle. To slide down and not knowing where or when I'm gonna stop. Short periods of temporary happiness just to give me the idea of a different life, and then again the slope! At certain points I have the impression that my mind is playing games on me. Just like Edgar Allan Poe said: "I've become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." I no longer know which is the true life. I no longer know whether "I am a human dreaming I am a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a human" (just to paraphrase Lao Tse)!

Either way ... I see no solution. I have no horizon! All I see is the dark slope going down! If I would only touch the bottom, because after that the only direction I could go would be UP. But until then ... I can only hope it's not gonna take much longer!

Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage. Is there still any hope for the hopeless?

Vise

Era o vreme când visam! Visam la o lume mai bună, la o carieră mai strălucită, la o relaţie mai potrivită ... în orice caz, visam la ceva mai bun.

Visam că odată ajunşi într-un punct al vieţii noastre vom reuşi să influenţăm pe cei din jurul nostru. Visam semeţ. De multe ori visele noastre erau mai înalte decât Everestul. Visam să ajungem celebri, să câştigăm premiul Nobel, să avem cariere de succes ...

Dar am obosit. Eu am obosit. Mi-am agăţat visele în cui şi aştept. Nu e cea mai bună calitatea a mea - răbdarea! De cele mai multe ori aşteptarea mă depresează, mă irită. Vreau ca lucrurile să se petreacă instant, la fel ca în visele mele. Doar că visele sunt doar vise. Dacă vrem realitate trebuie să punem osul la treabă şi să ne transformăm visele în real. Nimeni nu o sa facă asta în locul nostru. Pentru că nimănui nu-i pasă de visele celorlalţi. Fiecare pentru el.

Şi totuşi era bine când visam. Aveam speranţă că ceva poate fi mai bun în viaţa noastră.

Tot ce trebuie să facem e să ne întoarcem la cuiul în care ne-am agăţat visele, speranţa, copilăria, inocenţa ... şi să sperăm că toate acestea vor fi tot acolo!