Insomnia ....

Şi am ajuns din nou la insomnie. Deşi de data aceasta nu mă mai întreb care ar putea fi cauza acestei nopţi albe! Ştiu exact ce s-a întâmplat. Mă voi folosi de un moment memorabil din Friends, când Ross, dupa N sezoane, îşi întreabă prietenii, oarecum nedumerit: "Vă mai amintiţi când aveam o maimuţă?" Bineînţeles răspunsul din partea prietenilor săi a fost unul afirmativ. Remarca lui Ross a venit ... neaşteptată: "What was I thinkin?" (tr. "Ce-o fi fost în capul meu?") E unul din momentele acelea, când, peste ani, voi privi în urmă şi voi gândi, cu voce tare probabil: CE-O FI FOST ÎN CAPUL MEU? Nici nu e nevoie să treacă cine ştie cât timp, deja îmi dau seama că ceea ce fac e o tâmpenie ... de o să mă lase perplexă mâine chiar! Cum se face că ne blocăm în unele momente din viaţă şi ni se pare imposibil să mai ieşim de-acolo? Cert e că pentru mine, deja devine un obicei neplăcut. Deja colecţionez momente "CE-O FI FOST ÎN CAPUL MEU?" Încerc să mă scap de acest ultim moment, şi e destul de dificil de realizat! SOS!

No strings attached ...

I've always wondered what does this mean: NO STRINGS ATTACHED! I mean, how is it even possible?! But when you're tired of "strings" all the time, and when all you get from everybody are strings, you start to understand what this three little words talk about! It's as simple as that: you want the easy way out! I will refer only to myself, because it's not something that I can generalize, but right now that's all I am thinking of: EASY and OUT! I tried to do the good thing, I tried to do the right thing ... it's not that it is not working for me, but I see no result. From at least one point of view, I am in the same place as before. It's like I am walking in circles. And it ain't fun anymore! If I until now I was looking for those strings … I am done! NO MORE STRINGS ATTACHED! I will pursue my dream for happiness and with God’s help I will get there. But, as for here and as for people to depend on or to lean upon I am done. I think I am strong enough to carry this on my (well!) very own. And I know I have amazing family and amazing loving friends who have my back if I fell. But otherwise, I don’t want to be looking anymore. Nathaniel Hawthorne says: "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." This might be true, or not! Either way, I am done pursuing the butterfly. I am going for NO STRINGS ATTACHED! Call me coward, or call me crazy … or call me just “a tired human looking for the easy way OUT”. I know that this is not exactly who I am. But, in the end, who is to tell me how I should act? All I know now is that I am tired, and I just want to sort this out. I want to find the secret whether I am a person dreaming that it is a butterfly or the other way around?! For this, I just need NO STRINGS ATTACHED! p.s. 1. I am one year older, but not so sure about the one year wiser! For me, wisdom might kick only later on! p.s. 2. Thank you my dear friends for being there/here for me. You all know who I am talking about! 

Enough is enough

I've heard this before ... lots of times! I actually think I didn't really understand what it meant. One needs to really get to this point to fully understand ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Well ... I'm there! It's not like I could pass for a tolerant person. The people who know me, they know I'm not a patient person either. And still in this particular situation I was extremely patient (which brings me to the fact that patience can be achieved?!!) It's one of those situation in which people advice you to keep a low profile, stay out of trouble, keep stuff for yourself, you haven't seen or heard anything (and I'm not talking about the Mafia). So, for a while now I've been doing all that ... what people don't tell you is that, when you do all that, finally you get to this point where there is no going back. Frustrating feeling I might say. You cannot keep you mouth shut. You cannot help yourself from making "inspired" remarks. You cannot keep stuff for yourself anymore ... and you're just done. You arrived to that line where you can read in big bold letters ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and you just decide to cross over this line. On this other side, you might get killed or you might find that freedom of any kind really exists! No more constraints! It's so much better on this other side. I am still standing, reading the bold letters... I know I am there and I know that I cannot stand it anymore. I am just one step away from crossing this line! Enough is enough, right?

US

It suddenly hit me! It's not about trying to get the other people like us, or love us, or forgive us ... Most of the times it's about getting ourselves to like us, love us, forgive us. We do everything we can to mask this, we try to make it look as it's all about the other people. But it's not. Or let me put it some other way. Maybe they've done some mistakes, maybe they have their part of guilt. Bottom line still is that it's us who won't allow us to move further, to advance, to forgive and forget. Best case scenario we just forget! When we do something really bad, we know it and we ask for forgiveness, most of the times the people we've wronged they will forgive us sooner or later. But we won't allow us to get off the hook. I've been told before that I should not speak as I represent a group of people. Well I'm not representing anyone else, besides me. And in this situation I am talking about, I realized that I was sabotaging myself. I couldn't allow me to be happy. I couldn't forgive myself for the things I've done wrong. In the end ... I could only hope that I will forget!

Stars

Aren't stars the most amazing things you have ever come across? It's just so impressive how we all live in such a wonderful Universe ... on such an amazing planet. I know what you would think: how is this planet amazing when killings and hunger and war and tons of other terrible things happen here?

Well, it's not planet's fault for getting stuck with such reckless humankind! The planet itself is full of amazing-unbelievable-awesome things ... we should only stop for a bit and look around.

And at the fall of the night, just take a blanket and go on the top of the hill. Orion, Cassiopeia, Ursa, Cepheus and lots of other celestial bodies will smile right back at you!

Just try it! It will surprise you and leave you speechless. Because that's what the Universe does to whoever is willing to look up!

Psychotic episode

You know, the mentally ill ones! The society throws a dark shadow on them. People avoid them. People look down on them. Some people, whatsoever, show interest. I belong to this last category ... I am curious and interested in their story.

And now I am being sympathetic!!!

Why NOW? What does this "now" mean? Well let me just put it some other way. The mentally ill ones have their own perfect world to get to. They don't have to deal with the stupidity the human race gathers every single day. I almost envy them ... I don't want to tempt faith. I can imagine the implication of being mentally ill. I can only imagine the great deal of good things they are missing. And the sad part is I used the word "things". Not people, not relationships or emotions.

They miss on the music, and the beautiful classic books, the sunrise or sunset, the top of the mountain after a difficult climb, the hot chocolate on a very cold winter evening, the warm socks, the comforting feeling after you've done your job. And I could go on and on.

So, I do appreciate my psychotic break along with my sanity moments. Mostly because mine, both of them, come with very good friends and very supportive family.

Lately I fell in love with this very cute Edgar Allan Poe quote: "I have become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." And I am talking about a psychotic break? Well who is to say what is real and what is imaginative?

Who is to say what is sanity or psychotic break?

p.s. For those of you who will go on interpreting this article published on the 14th of February: YOU ARE SO WRONG!!!

Salvation

Did it ever happen to you? That sad feeling that you have to give up something you really, really care about? As much as you try you get to same conclusion: for sure you need to cut it from your life.

I feel like a doctor, in a very plastic way said, trying to figure out another way, trying to figure out a solution to save a leg, a hand. You know that the hand, the leg you're about to cut off are important. It's not like saying ... "o well, it will grow back!" The decision to amputate is difficult and sometimes it needs to be processed under pressure.

I am under pressure and I most definitely need to make up my mind: "CUT or DO NOT CUT?" The decision is even harder since you know that not cutting, when you're suppose to cut, could endanger your own life. It's not as simple as: "Can I make without it?" It can get to the eternal question (which is not mine in the first place - people have said it before me): "To be or not to be?"

So, in the end ... I am trying to find a solution which can save my life and safe my "something that I care about" as well.

But - and I always say there's a but in every story - if my solution doesn't really work, and if it doesn't get any better I must mentally prepare myself to let go. It would be a tough decision to take and it will hurt alot, but it's gonna be for the best.

Until then, finger crossed ... or wait - I don't believe in stuff like that. Huh, then let's just pray that the solution will work ... and SALVATION will come!

Step 1

Here we go. I just want to make it clear from the beginning that this is a hard task for me to do. I have been trying to write this for a long time and each time I just couldn't put the thoughts into coherent phrases.

Step 1 is about admitting we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Is is taken out from the Alcoholics Anonymous recovering therapy. But as far as anyone is concern alcohol is not the only addiction that we might come across. It's just one in a long row of dark addictions.

Even when there is no apparent addiction, admitting we are powerless is the first step into finding the right path. Maybe you're all wondering what I am talking about? Truth being told, every one of us is here with a purpose. We are not meant to just wonder on this earth and then when the time comes we will just die and rest for the eternity. It's because I believe in a Higher Power - that I think my life is not accidental. So, first step to find out why I am truly here for is admitting I am powerless.

I know - it's not very pleasant to admit this. Especially since we are all built with a self-protecting armor and we all want to be independent! But what I am suggesting has nothing to do with the fact of being independent or not. It's just that any addiction is in our way of finding our true self.

It only requires some courage to admit this and then you're on your track. So to set an example:

I am Camelia and I admit of being powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable.

See, it's not that hard! It's just the way to take next step ...

Sadness

Directly form Wikipedia: "Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage." In my opinion the most important thing in this definition is the word PAIN.

Sadness is inevitable pain. I cannot say I've been experiencing great physical pain. I know people who struggle with the physical pain and it would be so inappropriate of me to say I know what they are going through. For me physical pain resumes to a visit to a dentist and some stitches - that's it! But then there is the emotional pain. And this is something we all have been experiencing on a certain level. Again, there are people who went through great emotional pain and overcome, and then there are these other people who just cannot deal with the emotional pain any longer.

For me, this intense feeling of sadness is something I cannot really explain. It's like approximately half a year ago I just slipped and since then I'm on a continuous slope. I cannot stop and there is nothing to hold on! Questions with no answers - for me this is the struggle. To slide down and not knowing where or when I'm gonna stop. Short periods of temporary happiness just to give me the idea of a different life, and then again the slope! At certain points I have the impression that my mind is playing games on me. Just like Edgar Allan Poe said: "I've become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." I no longer know which is the true life. I no longer know whether "I am a human dreaming I am a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a human" (just to paraphrase Lao Tse)!

Either way ... I see no solution. I have no horizon! All I see is the dark slope going down! If I would only touch the bottom, because after that the only direction I could go would be UP. But until then ... I can only hope it's not gonna take much longer!

Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage. Is there still any hope for the hopeless?

Vise

Era o vreme când visam! Visam la o lume mai bună, la o carieră mai strălucită, la o relaţie mai potrivită ... în orice caz, visam la ceva mai bun.

Visam că odată ajunşi într-un punct al vieţii noastre vom reuşi să influenţăm pe cei din jurul nostru. Visam semeţ. De multe ori visele noastre erau mai înalte decât Everestul. Visam să ajungem celebri, să câştigăm premiul Nobel, să avem cariere de succes ...

Dar am obosit. Eu am obosit. Mi-am agăţat visele în cui şi aştept. Nu e cea mai bună calitatea a mea - răbdarea! De cele mai multe ori aşteptarea mă depresează, mă irită. Vreau ca lucrurile să se petreacă instant, la fel ca în visele mele. Doar că visele sunt doar vise. Dacă vrem realitate trebuie să punem osul la treabă şi să ne transformăm visele în real. Nimeni nu o sa facă asta în locul nostru. Pentru că nimănui nu-i pasă de visele celorlalţi. Fiecare pentru el.

Şi totuşi era bine când visam. Aveam speranţă că ceva poate fi mai bun în viaţa noastră.

Tot ce trebuie să facem e să ne întoarcem la cuiul în care ne-am agăţat visele, speranţa, copilăria, inocenţa ... şi să sperăm că toate acestea vor fi tot acolo!