US

It suddenly hit me! It's not about trying to get the other people like us, or love us, or forgive us ... Most of the times it's about getting ourselves to like us, love us, forgive us. We do everything we can to mask this, we try to make it look as it's all about the other people. But it's not. Or let me put it some other way. Maybe they've done some mistakes, maybe they have their part of guilt. Bottom line still is that it's us who won't allow us to move further, to advance, to forgive and forget. Best case scenario we just forget! When we do something really bad, we know it and we ask for forgiveness, most of the times the people we've wronged they will forgive us sooner or later. But we won't allow us to get off the hook. I've been told before that I should not speak as I represent a group of people. Well I'm not representing anyone else, besides me. And in this situation I am talking about, I realized that I was sabotaging myself. I couldn't allow me to be happy. I couldn't forgive myself for the things I've done wrong. In the end ... I could only hope that I will forget!

Stars

Aren't stars the most amazing things you have ever come across? It's just so impressive how we all live in such a wonderful Universe ... on such an amazing planet. I know what you would think: how is this planet amazing when killings and hunger and war and tons of other terrible things happen here?

Well, it's not planet's fault for getting stuck with such reckless humankind! The planet itself is full of amazing-unbelievable-awesome things ... we should only stop for a bit and look around.

And at the fall of the night, just take a blanket and go on the top of the hill. Orion, Cassiopeia, Ursa, Cepheus and lots of other celestial bodies will smile right back at you!

Just try it! It will surprise you and leave you speechless. Because that's what the Universe does to whoever is willing to look up!

Psychotic episode

You know, the mentally ill ones! The society throws a dark shadow on them. People avoid them. People look down on them. Some people, whatsoever, show interest. I belong to this last category ... I am curious and interested in their story.

And now I am being sympathetic!!!

Why NOW? What does this "now" mean? Well let me just put it some other way. The mentally ill ones have their own perfect world to get to. They don't have to deal with the stupidity the human race gathers every single day. I almost envy them ... I don't want to tempt faith. I can imagine the implication of being mentally ill. I can only imagine the great deal of good things they are missing. And the sad part is I used the word "things". Not people, not relationships or emotions.

They miss on the music, and the beautiful classic books, the sunrise or sunset, the top of the mountain after a difficult climb, the hot chocolate on a very cold winter evening, the warm socks, the comforting feeling after you've done your job. And I could go on and on.

So, I do appreciate my psychotic break along with my sanity moments. Mostly because mine, both of them, come with very good friends and very supportive family.

Lately I fell in love with this very cute Edgar Allan Poe quote: "I have become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." And I am talking about a psychotic break? Well who is to say what is real and what is imaginative?

Who is to say what is sanity or psychotic break?

p.s. For those of you who will go on interpreting this article published on the 14th of February: YOU ARE SO WRONG!!!

Salvation

Did it ever happen to you? That sad feeling that you have to give up something you really, really care about? As much as you try you get to same conclusion: for sure you need to cut it from your life.

I feel like a doctor, in a very plastic way said, trying to figure out another way, trying to figure out a solution to save a leg, a hand. You know that the hand, the leg you're about to cut off are important. It's not like saying ... "o well, it will grow back!" The decision to amputate is difficult and sometimes it needs to be processed under pressure.

I am under pressure and I most definitely need to make up my mind: "CUT or DO NOT CUT?" The decision is even harder since you know that not cutting, when you're suppose to cut, could endanger your own life. It's not as simple as: "Can I make without it?" It can get to the eternal question (which is not mine in the first place - people have said it before me): "To be or not to be?"

So, in the end ... I am trying to find a solution which can save my life and safe my "something that I care about" as well.

But - and I always say there's a but in every story - if my solution doesn't really work, and if it doesn't get any better I must mentally prepare myself to let go. It would be a tough decision to take and it will hurt alot, but it's gonna be for the best.

Until then, finger crossed ... or wait - I don't believe in stuff like that. Huh, then let's just pray that the solution will work ... and SALVATION will come!

Step 1

Here we go. I just want to make it clear from the beginning that this is a hard task for me to do. I have been trying to write this for a long time and each time I just couldn't put the thoughts into coherent phrases.

Step 1 is about admitting we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Is is taken out from the Alcoholics Anonymous recovering therapy. But as far as anyone is concern alcohol is not the only addiction that we might come across. It's just one in a long row of dark addictions.

Even when there is no apparent addiction, admitting we are powerless is the first step into finding the right path. Maybe you're all wondering what I am talking about? Truth being told, every one of us is here with a purpose. We are not meant to just wonder on this earth and then when the time comes we will just die and rest for the eternity. It's because I believe in a Higher Power - that I think my life is not accidental. So, first step to find out why I am truly here for is admitting I am powerless.

I know - it's not very pleasant to admit this. Especially since we are all built with a self-protecting armor and we all want to be independent! But what I am suggesting has nothing to do with the fact of being independent or not. It's just that any addiction is in our way of finding our true self.

It only requires some courage to admit this and then you're on your track. So to set an example:

I am Camelia and I admit of being powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable.

See, it's not that hard! It's just the way to take next step ...

Sadness

Directly form Wikipedia: "Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage." In my opinion the most important thing in this definition is the word PAIN.

Sadness is inevitable pain. I cannot say I've been experiencing great physical pain. I know people who struggle with the physical pain and it would be so inappropriate of me to say I know what they are going through. For me physical pain resumes to a visit to a dentist and some stitches - that's it! But then there is the emotional pain. And this is something we all have been experiencing on a certain level. Again, there are people who went through great emotional pain and overcome, and then there are these other people who just cannot deal with the emotional pain any longer.

For me, this intense feeling of sadness is something I cannot really explain. It's like approximately half a year ago I just slipped and since then I'm on a continuous slope. I cannot stop and there is nothing to hold on! Questions with no answers - for me this is the struggle. To slide down and not knowing where or when I'm gonna stop. Short periods of temporary happiness just to give me the idea of a different life, and then again the slope! At certain points I have the impression that my mind is playing games on me. Just like Edgar Allan Poe said: "I've become insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." I no longer know which is the true life. I no longer know whether "I am a human dreaming I am a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a human" (just to paraphrase Lao Tse)!

Either way ... I see no solution. I have no horizon! All I see is the dark slope going down! If I would only touch the bottom, because after that the only direction I could go would be UP. But until then ... I can only hope it's not gonna take much longer!

Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage. Is there still any hope for the hopeless?

Vise

Era o vreme când visam! Visam la o lume mai bună, la o carieră mai strălucită, la o relaţie mai potrivită ... în orice caz, visam la ceva mai bun.

Visam că odată ajunşi într-un punct al vieţii noastre vom reuşi să influenţăm pe cei din jurul nostru. Visam semeţ. De multe ori visele noastre erau mai înalte decât Everestul. Visam să ajungem celebri, să câştigăm premiul Nobel, să avem cariere de succes ...

Dar am obosit. Eu am obosit. Mi-am agăţat visele în cui şi aştept. Nu e cea mai bună calitatea a mea - răbdarea! De cele mai multe ori aşteptarea mă depresează, mă irită. Vreau ca lucrurile să se petreacă instant, la fel ca în visele mele. Doar că visele sunt doar vise. Dacă vrem realitate trebuie să punem osul la treabă şi să ne transformăm visele în real. Nimeni nu o sa facă asta în locul nostru. Pentru că nimănui nu-i pasă de visele celorlalţi. Fiecare pentru el.

Şi totuşi era bine când visam. Aveam speranţă că ceva poate fi mai bun în viaţa noastră.

Tot ce trebuie să facem e să ne întoarcem la cuiul în care ne-am agăţat visele, speranţa, copilăria, inocenţa ... şi să sperăm că toate acestea vor fi tot acolo!

Cold-blooded

Have any of you listened to Foreigner’s song “Hot Blooded”? We are supposed to be hot-blooded creatures and, even more, about us, the Latinos, we’ve heard a lot of stories. According to these stories, we are supposed to be very charismatic, very passionate … in everything we do (but I have to admit that the passionate was more linked to the loving part). So, we are supposed to be hot-blooded-passionate people!
I am about to tell you something else about me. Part one was about me being a day-dreamer! Part two … I am cold blooded! I must be northern or something. I do have the Latino anger temper. You’d better stay away when I am angry – otherwise I’ll snap and … well, I never crossed this “and” but I have a strange feeling that nothing good is on the other side of it. So, I do inherit the gene of hot-temper Latino people. But when talking about love … I am Norwegian or Swedish or just cold-blooded.
It’s been long since I was suspecting myself of listening more of my brain rather than my heart. I had my doubts. I was hoping I could be swept away. But, it’s not the case. Apparently, in the light of recent events (lessons we all need to learn in life) I have no more doubts: I am cold-blooded. I wouldn’t go so far as extending the rational thing into all the domains of my life. But definitely in the feeling department – more specific in the loving department – I am rational. I’m proud of being rational … but sometimes I wonder how it would be like if my heart really spoke to me.
Sometimes, I wish I were swept away and feel the butterflies I hear so much about. Sometimes, I wonder if love can really be felt.
How many of you have heard me talking about love – true love? Not so many … because, love – true love – it’s not really my thing.
I am cold blooded! Or at least … I am cold blooded until proven otherwise!

I am a daydreamer!

I want to set this straight, because I've noticed lately that people mistake me for someone else. I mean, I would've supposed that in my circle of friends it's already clear who am I. Well, apparently this article is necessary. So, here it is (~27 yrs late, but still!):

I am a daydreamer!!! Do not suppose that if I look at you, I am really listening to what you're saying. No hard feelings, but I might be in my own world the same moment. As soon as I've made up my mind regarding the real world, I decided that it was not good enough for me. I was always told that we build our world ... and so I did. I built my own!

So, whenever there are things, in this real world, that trouble me I decide to escape in this world of mine that (in my defense) is not perfect, but slightly better than this one.

Besides this parallel world, I have my own system of values, my own logic. You'd say it's not possible and that logic is logic. I don't really care about that. I don't care about some stupid rule saying logic is absolute. I have my own ... and so far it worked. I am hard to convince... exactly because I don't go after usual rules and usual logic.

Bottom line is I am happy with who I am. Or at least I try! In the end, I'll know I wasn't just another human being on this planet, another serial puppet. I was unique. And that might be enough...

Now ... I want to quote the famous Martin Luther King:

I HAVE A DREAM ...

Betrayal

You know what's the most common synonym for betrayal? My personal guess is: you do. Even so, I will say it again: BACKSTABBING. And it's not me who says it ... wikipedia does it first.

So, what can you actually say about this, when the synonym is more than explicit? Betrayal...have you ever felt it? (because I honestly think this is not something you experience, it's something that you feel on your own skin). It's more like a knife in the back when you least expect it... or let me put it some other way. How many of us have experienced a stabbing in the back? Well ... it must be just like a BETRAYAL!!!

Why am I talking about this today? Cas I feel betrayed. Today, more than any other day, I feel like someone really stabbed me in the back. Does it make any sense? Maybe I have high expectations from the people around me. Maybe I should strop expecting anything from people around me. For me, that seems like really, really hard work. Not trusting, not expecting. I am that kind of a person that does trust and does expect.

And still ... with every knife I feel in my back I am one step away from drawing a line and giving EVERYBODY up. Lately everybody are hurrying to deposit their knives in a safe place, i.e. my back.

Betrayal hurts! Betrayal makes me ... concentrate on reading more books or just staying away from people.

I am one knife away from that!