Addiction

Addiction comes in many shapes starting from the bad habits such as drugs, drinking, shopping for some, and going to the not that destructive ones like coffee, perfumes (this is one of my favorites) and even on a more psychological level ... the cry for attention. But isn't any addiction a cry for attention?

It is odd that I find myself facing another insomnia night. And I am starting to think that it is true what I said couple of months before: the guilty have no sweet dreams! It's not that I do or did any crimes. But who is to judge what is a crime or not?

Addiction is pretty much a crime since it comes with a guilty conscience and no sleep. I use to sleep perfectly good. No wakings up in the middle of the night remembering I didn't do something right before going to sleep. It is said that the first step to get rid of an addiction is recognizing you have a problem. In our society it is very hard to do that, when everybody else is all good, no problems - PLEASE!!! We are all addicted to something.
I, for one, I am CAMELIA and I am addicted ... to what? Well this is the hard question. To what? Cas all the things I am addicted to are like covering the true and open wound - the true addiction.

I feel like I don't really deserve all the good things happening to me. I am full of flaws and right now I don't really know where to start to fix myself up again.

Any ideas how to get rid of an addiction?

Bleah ...

I cannot think for a better word than this: "BLEAH!!!" People make me sick. Not all, some people make me sick. Some people annoy me with their stupid attitude "I'm the king of the hill!" Some people just disappoint me.

I guess I will never learn. I guess I am made from a material that cannot learn that PEOPLE DO DISAPPOINT YOU on a regular basis. Actually, I wish I were able to not trust everybody.

It happened to me recently ... someone I considered a decent person and it turned to be a greedy person and just let me down on so many levels that I can't even thought it would be possible. I guess the only good thing with me is that, even though I trust easily, once someone has betrayed my trust, it is done!!!

I am just an angry person right now!

Falling

I just wonder how come for some a fall is just a fall and nothing more - they stand up again and just walk further on like nothing happened, while for others a fall is like slipping on a toboggan and it just looks like they would never stop.

Well I guess we are different people with different tempers and personalities. There are these great people, with huge character and huge power, inspiring us with ever step they do. They seem to know exactly where to put their next step, even if they've never walked on that ground before. And then we just hear that they fell. For these kind of people the fall will always be a great one. Cas they are just not use to it. They are used to walk up on the mountains.

I was not use to the falling. I don't have the pretension of being a great person,I'm not. But I was used to get whatever I wanted, to fight for it if necessary. And from a while know I seem to have slipped and I am not able to stop and pick it up where I left it. I waiting to stop and take a deep breath, then stand up and walk further. I know it's not a process you get to make by yourself. But I have friends in high places!

Wind of change

Change, as I mentioned many, many times, is inevitable! We almost every day find ourselves in the position of making a change in our lives. Small changes like the shampoo we're using or the route we're taking to work or maybe the movie genre. Sometimes, the change in our lives implies a little more attention, a little more time, some more input from our side. And every once in a while change is gonna take us by surprise!

These are the changes we hate, these are the changes that we are afraid of. Because we are afraid of change. We feel conformable in our zone. We don't need any alterations of our usual-perfectly-boring lives. Change - this is what puts us back in the game and, willingly or not, makes us fight back.

So, every time we feel that the "weather" is way too calm ... for the season, do not worry! From the blue sky, all of the sudden, unexpected there will be a wind of change. You don't want it, you can't stop it. But in the end ... it could just bring a fresh perspective into our lives! So, just bring it on! Whatever is to come ... I am not scared, it's probably for the best!

Insomnia 4

Şi pentru că mi se părea absurd să nu poţi dormi, oricum, oricunde. Voila!!! Insomnie din nou!
Am un obicei. E unul din obiceiurile vechi pe care nu insist sa-l schimb (am altele care ar putea urca în cap de listă): când sunt pe stradă obişnuiesc să studiez oamenii pe lângă care trec. Dintr-o singură privire poţi primi o lecţie de viaţă.
Vreau să vă "arat" şi vouă două din imaginile ce îmi vor rămâne mereu întipărite în minte:

1. Dimineaţa, prea devreme pentru mine, zăpadă mare, frig. Un 46B prea aglomerat şi eu lipită de geam. Exact locul meu preferat. Urcând Calea Turzii trecem pe lângă cimitir. La unul din morminte, un bătrân de mână cu un copil! Efectiv am rămas fără cuvinte - mintea mea nu putea procesa informaţiile primite din exterior. Era nici 8 dimineaţa, un frig de crăpau şi pietrele. Ce căuta acolo un bătrân cu un copil?
Nu ştiu. Dar mi-am spus că trebuie să fi fost o persoană tare specială ...

2. În drum spre muncă, din nou un troleu mai plin decât mi-ar fi plăcut mie. La o trecere de pietoni un bătrânel sprinten traversa de zor. La un moment dat s-a oprit şi s-a întors. În spatele lui agale, venea o bătrânică. Bătrânelul s-a apropiat de ea şi a luat-o de mână. Împreună, în pas de plimbare, au traversat strada (spre enervarea şoferilor din trafic!!!) Pentru ei ... nu mai era nicio grabă!
Inevitabil mă gândesc că lumea ar fi un loc mult mai bun dacă fiecare am avea pe cineva care să ne ia de mână când ne e greu!

Sunt convinsă că mulţi aţi surprins asemenea imagini. Înţelept ar fi să tragem o învăţătură şi să mergem mai departe! O noapte bună vă doresc!

Usual - Dreams

We live our day by day life trying to keep out all the unexpected. We make plans, we write down schedules, we keep an eye on the clock. Up in the morning same time, quick ride to the office, end of the day ... maybe a movie or a chat with a friend. That's it!
What happened to all the dreams as kids? What happened to flying to the moon, or becoming a famous doctor/lawyer/actor/writer? What happened to your "TO DO LIST"? I remember when I was in college (and I know this sounds veeeeeeeeery old - so I might just as well change it to "few years ago") me and the girls I was living with had a TO DO LIST stuck on the fridge. Just stuff like: going to the theater, visiting some city we've never been to, attending a lawsuit, dressing like Arabic women and others. But this list remind us every day that we need to do something exciting with our lives.
Youth is said to be daring. We should always have a TO DO LIST out of the ordinary. We cannot live our lives just like usual!
Life it's pretty extraordinary.
Unfortunately, my TO DO LIST of today is: GET HOME, GO TO BED! - sad, I know. But I still have dreams. I still think I can read all the books I want, listen to all the music I gathered in my computer, take all the walks (although I am not a walking-kind of a person), visit all those places ... I still hope I can do something amazing with my life.
I guess I didn't put down on paper all my dreams ... because once on a TO DO LIST I would have to push myself further on to fulfill my dreams. And what if I don't make it? What if I betray my dream and let myself down? :)

I used to be optimistic. I used to think that I can do whatever I wanted! I might just as well write down that TO DO LIST and every day I see it I will remember that LIFE IS EXTRAORDINARY and you can only live once!

And on another hand, AMAZING things are ready to happen to whoever dares and steps outside the comfort line!

Ephemeral or Eternal?

Well I had to learn a tough lesson. I had to learn it for some time and all the signs were there, but it seemed easier to take the highway! Truth is people are the value. We are stubborn and we keep on gathering stuff that "make us happy" or maybe that are useful or maybe we just have a "hobby". We pay a lot to buy all these. We are ready to invest in an apartment, in a car, in a 2-week vacation to some end of the world place, in books or shoes or clothes or anything that is so material and ephemeral.

I kept planning to post our New Years resolutions. When stepping into this new year 2011, me and the friends gathered had some thoughts for this new beginning. And they were all so powerful and so of God... but one of them made me think a lot. My friend said that she was planing to put an etiquette with "EPHEMERAL" for all those material-non-important things and another etiquette with "ETERNAL" on humans. That was a brilliant plan. And I am so sure that if we had done that so far our life would've been a little happier, no remorse.

I, on the other hand, got caught in this race for wealth and material gains. I lost track of the humans near me. I forgot to be kind, and nice, and thoughtful. I became more and more bitter and unfriendly. I was told that bitterness keeps people away - somehow like a bad smell. The thing is we lose people. Sometimes we lose them with no possibility to get them back. What we had done by that point will remain. Nothing else matters. Of all people, I can say that humans are not trustworthy, but we need to do our best, we need to build bridges where there are none. Otherwise we're just gonna be alone and all the material things we gather so greedy would not make us happier.

We are so human, so proudling assuming that we're gonna live forever. The problem is that we are right. We ARE gonna live forever... but not the way we are imagining it.

La multi ani, mami!

Adevărul e că a trecut ceva timp de când nu am mai aşternut pe "hârtie" gândurile, impresiile, luptele, frustrările ... dar AZI e diferit! AZI nu e o zi ca oricare alta. Pentru unii e zi cu ghinion. Pentru alţii e doar o altă zi. Pentru cei care muncesc e miercuri - o zi ce marchează mijlocul săptămânii (sau încă două zile până la weekend).

Pentru mine şi ai mei azi e 13 IULIE ... ziua mamei mele. Cum aş putea să nu scriu? Când cele mai bune lucruri în viaţă mi s-au întâmplat datorită ei?

Mami, nu o să pot să îţi exprim vreodată în cuvinte ce însemni pentru mine. Şi azi, de ziua ta, mă rog ca Dumnezeu să îţi dăruiască tot ce crede El mai bun!

Îţi doresc o viaţă plină de bucurii! TE IUBESC!

Old-fashioned-open-minded

One of these last days, when listening to one of the Andre Rieu's concerts, I surprised myself enjoying it a little too much. I am in my 20's and looking to what people in their 20's listen ... I found myself out of place. I hate the music playing today, and it feels like there are not many thinking like I do.

I enjoy a lot a good book and classical music and I do prefer reading the book rather than seeing the movie. It's old-fashioned, I know! But I think that there are more possibilities of "having fun" when you're old-fashioned! I also know that everyone around you will laugh at you and maybe they'll say you are crazy, but your "moment of happiness" will not last until you get sober. It's the kind of happiness that makes you feel good about yourself and pushes you to go further when you think you've touched your limits!

When we were kids, or even adolescents, we were told very often that after some time we won't care if the others like us or not, we won't try so hard to be someone we aren't. And it is true! During the high school, even if we didn't have the American style high school, we did have the popular, the beauty, the nerds, the cool, the dangerous etc. Maybe we tried hard to be someone we weren't, or maybe we've done things we are not proud of just to please one group of the other ... but by the end of high school we were all on our own!

We're not in high school anymore! It's no shame to admit you like reading or that you like classical music ...or that you play chess! Because the standards you are up against now are so much different then those in high school!

So, what? I am old-fashioned in a very, very up to speed age! Who says I'm not open-minded as well?

Eu

Îmi place: să citesc, să merg la teatru şi la operă, iarna, să merg la patine, să mă plimb în zăpadă, să ascult muzică, culoarea verde, Argentina, Egipt, China, Rusia, arhitectura veche, geografia, jucăriile de pluş, tot ce ţine de al doilea război mondial, povestea ţarului Nicolae al II lea, Heroes, patinajul artisic, fotbalul, mongolian beef, blugii, suedeza, franceza şi limbile orientale, pianul şi vioara, Coca-Cola, genţile mari cu multe buzunare, să dorm, să notez citatele care mă impresionează, să râd, să studiez despre bolile mintale, 24, dexter, să mă uit la filme, poezia (în special George Coşbuc), sinceritatea şi corectitudinea, punctualitatea, adevărul, dreptatea, pacea, marea, peisajele pitoreşti, să mă întâlnesc cu rudele şi prietenii mei, să îmi decorez locuinţa cum vreau eu, să pierd vremea, laptopul meu, pătuţul meu cu etaj din copilărie (care nu mai există ), pătura de treabă, ciocolata, să fac baie cu spume, Dove, Ralph Lauren, Brad Pitt (ursuleţul meu primit cadou de la colegele de apartament), să fiu veselă, GAP, noaptea şi dimineaţa, Crăciunul şi Anul Nou, părul negru, mobila artistică, să scriu, conopida murată, Tommy Hilfiger, maşinile de teren, cănuţa mea cu Merry Christmas, Pigeon, Law School ...
... and this is only the beginning!