Amazing people

I am amazed! This is the exact feeling I have in this precise moment. I cannot but to be happy and thankful for the hand of people in my life that are truly friends! I have always believed in true friendship. And this was never a problem: not believing in it! The problem was not always recognizing those who really are true friends. Besides true friends there are those other good people. They will help! They have nothing to gain out of it and still they will make time to help someone who really needs it... Like myself these days. I am talking about a stupid questionnaire for my final paper. It's complicated to ask people to make time, when time is of the essence! And still, I reached out and there was this bunch of unbelievable amazing people who were willing to help me. A stupid questionnaire! You know, maybe you think I am a bit crazy, exaggerating about this... but main thing is: if we are faithful in small things ... we are or we will prove faithful in big things as well. Maybe there won't be any huge opportunity for these people to help me. What they don't know is that they have managed to impress me! This kindness they showed these days toward me won't be left without being repaid. And if I cannot repay them I do know someone who can. So, everybody, amazing-kind-good people ... I thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all know who I'm talking about!

Non-believers

We are actually non-believers. We say we believe, but deep within we don't. We expect for miracles, we want miracles, we dream about them. But we are incapable of recognizing a miracle even if it hit us the head! When we are in the presence of a miracle we try to explain it, we try to make it seem like not such a big deal. We try... and if we try we make it! Cas miracles very rarely keep looking like miracles if we don't want to see them. In the end, we are just some poor creatures incapable of accepting the unknown, the unbelievable. Just because it is out of our reach! Such a pity!

Happy - ness

Well this is a first. Me, writing about how happy and thankful I am. Because I am. Right now, precisely this moment here: I am a happy person. That person that doesn't lack anything: - I have the most amazing family (no matter the differences or the "small" quarrels every family has)! - My brother is getting married ... oddly enough that makes me happy knowing he is! - I have wonderful "old" friends that prove to me every single day that life is a better place just because they exist! - I have met recently some pretty interesting-young-full-of-life-innocent people that taught me once again that young is a state of mind (you must thing I am crazy talking like I were 80 ... probably I am - crazy i.e.)! - I am finally thankful for the choice I made regarding my future career. I know that plans change and maybe He has other roads to take me, but today - last day of March - I feel like professionally I can do what I dream to become! - I have succeed in buying (it might sound shallow, but hear me out) all the books in order for me to be ready for the exams ahead. Which, in my opinion, it is pretty awesome! I know that there might be other things and I do know that no positive things come in life without the negative, but, keeping in mind that this could be the quietness before the storm, this moment here is what I want to remember when the storm starts. Cas there is no other feeling like this one: happiness, thankfulness, joy, accomplishment! What else could I wish for?

Abdication

I was told this weekend (I'd have to admit, not as a surprise) that I give up on people too easyly! And it might be the truth, it makes no sense trying to deny it. But sometimes I am just tired to fix things that cannot necessarly be fixed or to hold on to poeple who have deceived me or betrayed me. I don't see any clear meaning in doing all that so, of course, I find it easier to give up. Bottom line is that at some point it's them or yourself. It's giving up on them or giving up on you. Because holding up to something beyond that acceptable line means that you'll have to alter your self. So, I would rather learn from mistakes and cut a fresh new start. Great people are always backed up. Great victories were obtained by people who had their back guarded. But also ... people hold us down. If we are in a relationship that cannot make us better I find it useless! Maybe I'm shallow. But I wish I had given up to some relations a lot faster than I originally did. By not giving up and holding up to those people alot longer than it was supposed I got myself some very unfixable scars. I know that living a monastic live it's not a solution, but neither the opposite. I don't know about you, but I have some people I wish I had never met them. But on the other hand, there's a handfull of people I couldn't live without! It's also true that sometimes, if you are willing to risk, you could meet some great brand new people. People that can teach you how to be young again, how you can change the way of thinking, how you can really trust others, how you can really have fun over a mid-month weekend... just like that! Trust me, I only talk from experience!In my case, I had to give up some people just to make room for some new faces!

SELF

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." -- Bernice J. Reagon It's true. What it seems surprisingly is the fact that some people are not interested at all in finding/discover themselves. How is that possible? How can it be? Why wouldn't you want to know who you were really meant to be? It's a mystery ... It's like people are happy with what they know, with what they have - no questions asked! Then, there's another aspect of the situation: when you do know who you are, but maybe you feel that the others would not understand you or accept you (remember Maslow's hierarchy of needs?!). Or worst - knowing yourself you acted accordingly and then all you got was a slam of a door in the face. At a second thought ... that door in the face is one of life's challenges supposed to help you discover something new about yourself. An improved self!

Love

Well here I am ... again. Lately I found myself in many situations in which I had to talk about my opinion on this controversed (as I like to say!) topic: LOVE. Is there true love in the world? How do you know? How can we prove there is love? Can we fall in love? If we do, can we fall out of love? How does love look like? And I could go on with the questions. I have to admit I gave it a lot of thought. I have to admit again I didn't really, trully give it a try or a chance. And if I were to answer to the question: "Do you believe in love?" I might say I don't. Or better said, I might have said I don't. Maybe what we think is love, it's not. And maybe we don't really know what love is. We might have different expectations from what we think love is. I for sure I don't have a clear idea of what people think love is. Cas it's definately not cotton candy or a hot chocolate or a smile or a beautiful song or the eyes of some person ... it's all of these and none. It just hit me, do you think that love is like witchcraft? If you don't believe it exists ... it cannot touch you? I definately don't believe in witchcraft... I think it's a bit too late for any philosophical statements. I think I would like to feel the butterflys I heard so much about. I think that human kind needs this concept of LOVE in order to survive to all that evil there is. Bottom line? How about you tell me if I am to wait a little longer or not.

Recovering

Again about the topic that hunted me this entire year: addictions. Even after you have way past the addiction you are still in danger. It crossed my mind today. When you're recovering from an addiction ... you are never out of the woods. A recovering alcoholic will always be an alcoholic that can never leave the guard down. A recovering drug-addict or shopaholic or workaholic ... they will always be in danger to relapse. It's not like: been there, done that - file closed! It's more than this. Once you started on this path, even when recovering, you are still most likely to fall. I wish there was an easier way out, but it isn't. The only thing you can fight against an addiction is a strong will.

Memories

I am back in my home town, in my parents' house. It's all so different now! I walked through the town and I cannot see the town I was growing in anymore. There is a huge "concrete playground" were it used to be our sandy-grassy playground ... A long row of garages in front of the block. They cut down the poplars along the river. They built a Lidle store in the center of the town. Everywhere you look its concrete. I don't feel the vibe anymore. I see all kind of new faces walking around. There are some things that have not changed, like the pharmacy in the corner with the same pharmacist, or the bridge ... or the old math teacher with his unbelievable - intellectual look. I smile when I see the things that haven't changed a bit, and in the same time I feel melancholy for the lost ones. It was never a huge town, but it was always a quite-nice-everybody-knows-everybody town. But of course, time doesn't forgive anyone, so the town had to evolve and adapt. I am afraid I cannot say that it became more civilized. I remember that our high school was one of the best in the county. Well the good ol' days have gone. I am afraid we don't appreciate the simple smart things anymore, and all we are looking for is glazing-ostentatious-glamorous things. Maybe it's just the society. Buy I miss swimming in the river in the summer or skating in the winter. I miss playing outside with my friends - no worries. I miss all that! My home town doesn't look anymore like the cute-cultural-oldish town! I miss that look! Mostly because it's that look that pushed me to go further knowing that whenever I will need to come back to cozy-familiar thing I can always come back to my home town. Well, I came back ... but the town it's not there anymore. It's good that I can still see it in my memories!

Glimpse of happiness

I understand now. I cannot be happy all the time cas if I were happy all the time, I would not appreciate happiness that much. It's just me! Maybe other people are different. But not me. I realized - for sure 100% - if I were to be happy all the time, I wouldn't know that I'm happy. And is there greater unhappiness than to not know you're happy? So, since I am like that ...I only get glimpses of happiness. Small portions of what true happiness really is. I was pretty sure it's unfair and I did not deserve this but now I see - now I understand. Actually I think that for me to be happy I need to work hard. I cannot take happiness for granted, cas it's not. And then there is satisfaction. It's not really happiness, but meanwhile it can make life easier. Bottom line ... I'd rather work hard for my glimpse of happiness, feeling satisfaction moreoften, than not being able to appreciate happiness at all. Today ... I am not a happy person, but a satisfied one!

Withdrawal

I would exaggerate if I say that I understand what drug addicts go through in withdrawal. I don't! I can only imagine it's even worse than what I am feeling right now. I have no clue on how to explain this to you. It's the logical thing what is happening ... after amputation and phantom pain there has to be withdrawal. It's hard. It's like you want to get back to how things were before, when you didn't make up your mind to give up the DRUG. In the beginning the DRUG gave you an amazing feeling of well-being. But, little by little, this DRUG of yours ... became part of your life and your body couldn't live without it. Every time you decided you want to stop it wasn't possible anymore because your body was asking for it. But then ... you discovered that the DRUG provoked a gangrene in your body. So, there was nothing else that you could do but to amputate. I have already explained how hard was to make up my mind in this matter. Then ... there was the phantom pain. The unreal/real pain! But all these come with withdrawal. About now the DRUG is out of your system, but the mind is still infected, the mind is still telling you how much you need it and how you cannot function without it. In some cases, it becomes more physical. The brain sends some information to the entire body: you get fever, your tremble, you feel like life is flowing out of your body, you seem incapable of breathing. Bottom line is: YOU NEED THE DRUG!!! You crave for that DRUG. Then you'll do whatever it takes to get the DRUG again. You're obviously not thinking clearly. You're no longer rational. You don't remember all the bad things happening to you because of the DRUG. You don't even remember the damage ... the amputation due to the use of that DRUG. You don't care anymore. All you want is to go, find that DRUG and use it, just like before. That will make you happy, that will calm your body and mind. Truth to be told: it's a lie that you can stop whenever you want. Some things are meant not to be tried out, because if they are tried they create an addiction. I thought I am strong. I've seen people in withdrawal. And then I've heard the same people saying:"One last cigarette!" "One last drink!" "One last time!" There is no such thing like "one last...” After that "one last" there is another one and another one until you can't remember how many there have been. So, I thought I was strong. I thought I am different. That is why I decided to try it. Unfortunately I wasn't strong enough and I ended on the edge, bouncing back and forward. I am in withdrawal. It's a while now since I cut out all the evil, the entire gangrened limb. The phantom pain is still there. I dream about being whole again. I dream about myself ... from before the addiction. I know there is no chance of going back to how I was, because there are consequences to take care of. I am sorry, vert sorry for how things turned out to be, but eventually I have to go on with my life: it's not how I imagined it to be, it's how I built it. Even if the drug and the addiction are mentally, that doesn't make it less real or less painful. Withdrawal ... if you haven't been strong in the beginning, you really need to be strong now. Cas from withdrawal you either come out clean or dead.